凝結之身展覽特別策劃
熔爐策劃者剖白（長文慎入）：
這絕對是一個自戀又自肥又不客觀的展覽。
科普資訊提供：一個展覽策展人的身份和職責，就像是藝術與觀眾之間的「橋樑」與「翻譯官」。策展人不僅僅是把畫掛在牆上，而是透過一個核心概念，將不同的藝術品、空間、文字和活動編織在一起，創造出一個能與觀眾對話的體驗。因此，（通常）參展藝術家並不會同時是策展人。本來想找香港獨立策展人策展，多第三隻眼可以幫手望望，但是我個人太摺又不合群，(感謝秘密水瓶軍師出謀獻策)，最後我還是一手包辦所有事。
打開記憶之門，細數這十年life drawing experience 遇過的特別事件(而令我最難堪的往往是曾經最親近的人)。
[記憶碎片1] （關於自我價值與親密關係）
前度一：
情景A：我給他看我跟朋友集資出的(nudity)相集，他即時反應是：嘩！你宜家連Porn都影埋？
情景B：你係咪做得模特兒多唔乾淨，所以有念珠菌感染？（分手後完全康復零感染）
情景C：[Mind-control X Gaslighting效應] 你都係除衫被人睇姐，有咩咁好驕傲？你啲錢真係容易賺！
情景D：你朋友A咁索，點解你咁既？我其實中意筷子腳，（定眼望住我既腳）搖頭說，算啦！（一起兩年分手六次，瘦了20磅，失眠胃痛發惡夢，在街上突然痛哭
如何脫離有毒親密關係留待吹水房揭曉）[記憶碎片2] （關於親密關係中的權力dynamic）
前度三：點樣係咁多人面前畫自己鍾意既人啊？當時的我即時反應：如果你去做模，我會好想畫。後來，我才意識到上面那句的潛台詞是：你的身體（某程度上）是屬於我的，我無法跟別人一起直視你的身體，我無法接受他人帶有慾望的去凝視你。（看來時間是毒藥又是解藥）
[記憶碎片3] （關於女性身體之所屬權與伴侶關係）
親戚A：你做啲咁既野，感情路係難行啲架啦！
[記憶碎片4]
某女性向的網台女記者：你做呢份工作，感情路會唔會好難行？有無咩阻礙？聽過啲咩好難聽既說話？
某資深年資的女DJ：咁點解你要主動arouse人地既慾望？
[記憶碎片5]
親戚B：其實阿靖做緊咩？佢唔著衫被人睇喎！
[記憶碎片6]某男：其實你咁多訪問，除衫係咪想搏出位同出名？我：如果名氣能把我想說的話讓更多人知，或讓我相信的事推得更廣，那我應該是吧！（已遠離此人）
[記憶碎片7]
某主張身體自主的女士剛相識：你肥咗喎！啲相執到我就死！兩年後：你宜家瘦成排骨咁，不過瘦啲係靚啲既！
[記憶碎片8]（關於刻板印象/父權紅利）
某男畫家：你咁靚，搵個有錢人嫁左去咪可以飛上枝頭變鳯凰囉！當時我一絲不掛的被畫中，我回應：咁你都可以好似陳震聰咁搵個屬於你既小甜甜，依附權貴既人就無分性別既。對方：嘩！唔講啦唔講啦，估唔到你係女權主義者喎！我零反應，回到靜止不動的放空狀態。心裡想著：我已經是鳳凰了
[記憶碎片9]某男創作者：彭靖當年都好青春我：你都係啦，又白又滑！
[記憶碎片10]（關於影視創作中女性角色之形象）
某大學舊同學打來：請問你有興趣幫一套商業電影做裸模嗎？是大budget大製作！一定會影得很唯美！然後send了一些朦朧的黑白裸體照片。我：那拍攝內容是？對方：劇情角色是一具被姦殺的屍體。我：不了，我不會接
對方：那你有裸模朋友會有興趣嗎？我：不會了，我不想我的朋友被虛擬地姦殺，Bye！（拍了超級多年，近年終於上映，我有在戲院看，的確是得幾秒，但𣊬間令我連結時空中的記憶碎片。）
[記憶碎片11]某女：自我暴露都係一種手段
[記憶碎片12]（關於蕩婦羞辱及情慾自主）
代課時期某中三女學生：咁同做雞有咩分別？
當時我的回應：同學，請把「雞」轉稱成「性工作者」，其實是有分別的，性工作者的工作內容為提供性服務及身體接觸。而人體模特兒是不需要被觸摸及有任何身體接觸。
但兩者有以下兩個（部分正確）之共同點：一，赤裸身體呈現於人們眼前，但其實這說法也只有部分正確，有時性工作者也不一定全裸，也有可能是穿內衣或衣服。二，慾望的對象，性工作者解決顧客之性欲需求；而人體模特兒是被凝望之描繪對象，而凝望其身體之創作者會或不會帶有慾望的視線去觀察，以我經驗，在畫室裡的氣氛及計時轉姿勢的速度之快，其實就很難有其他慾望想像，但我沒有讀心術，各畫家心中想什麼我也沒權過問。但認真地思考反省：那如果帶有慾望又如何呢？性慾不是跟食慾一樣，都屬於人性的一部分嗎？三位15歲的女同學安靜下來，定眼看著我。
[記憶碎片13]
某路人：你都只係賣身姐！我（忍不住講一些阿媽是女人的反問）：難道資本市場下的時薪也不是用時間與身體來換取金錢？
[記憶碎片14]某舊同學：佢個work咪唔著衫既女人囉！我當時未有足夠既急才去反應。
[記憶碎片15]（關於匿名性騷擾）某網民傳來dick pic：我勁唔勁？我：其實你有無同女仔相處過，有女仔會中意睇器官圖片，然後覺得吸引？定你想去我幫你評分？閣下器官又細又岩巉，而且毛髮亂生又核突，真係肉酸，-1000分。然後該名網民block左我
[記憶碎片16］某網民：勁野，有勇氣！裸體即藝術。我：創作可包括裸體，但不是裸體就=創作。
[記憶碎片17］某人：你宜家三十幾歲除衫仲有人睇咩？
[記憶碎片18］某網民：比錢就有得睇你除衫？比錢就有裸體睇？
因此，第一次參加我籌辦life drawing的參加者，我都會提出以下life drawing protocol ：
「抱歉不開放只想來觀看的，來我的life drawing session都是認真練習的畫家，每個人都必須以繪畫為前提來參與。
請回答以下問題：
1-你以前參加過人體寫生嗎？
2-你很常畫畫嗎？
3-可以分享一下你的畫嗎？ (請傳你親手畫的畫)
請理解，當新參與者希望加入時，我必須提出以上問題，以保障舉辦空間與模特兒。謝謝你。
回顧這十年，關於創作、身體、裸露、關係、權益、權力、經營、目光等，其實我從來都不想成為「權威」，但某畫家說：但你已經係啦！即使你不想，但無可否認有一定程度的影響力。當談及情，有時候，關係中的悲歡離合、愛恨情仇，他者的看法與批判，跟自身的個人價值及自我認同可以是沒有直線連繫的。關係像一塊多面鏡，讓最赤裸的人性如實地映照出來，但能夠親手觸碰到的就只有本體吧。如果大家有興趣與我對話，有任何問題或疑惑，我都非常渴望分享，包括身體自主意識、在體模工作上的權利、創作的好奇心等，歡迎來紅魔女茶點吹水房傾下計。
超級非常感恩在這路上遇到美好的人們，繼續加油共勉之。下篇將說說有趣又美妙的記憶碎片，敬請期待
Photo credit: treelosk Sumless Shadows
[Who are you when you’re not performing?]
Opening Performance of [CRYSTALLISED SELF]
Confession from the Furnace Curator (long read ahead):
This is undoubtedly a narcissistic, self-serving and biased exhibition. A bit of background: The role and responsibilities of an exhibition curator are akin to being a ‘bridge’ and ‘interpreter’ between art and the audience. A curator does more than simply hang pictures on the wall; they weave together different artworks, spaces, texts and activities around a central concept to create an experience that engages with the audience. Therefore, (usually) the exhibiting artists are not the curators.I had originally intended to commission an independent Hong Kong curator to help provide a third perspective – I’m too stubborn and unsociable on my own (thanks to my secret Aquarius advisor for the advice) – but in the end, I ended up handling everything myself.
Opening the door to my memories, I reflect on the special moments I’ve encountered over the past decade of my life (and the ones that have left me feeling most humiliated are often those involving the people I was once closest to).
[Memory Fragment 1] (On self-worth and intimate relationships)
Ex-boyfriend 1:
Scenario A: I showed him a (nude) photo album I’d put together with friends. His immediate reaction was: ‘Wow! Are you shooting porn now too?’
Scenario B: ‘Is your modelling work so unsavoury that you’ve got a yeast infection?’ (I made a full recovery and had zero infections after we split up)
Scenario C: [Mind-control X Gaslighting effect] You’re just taking your clothes off for people to look at – what’s there to be so proud of? You really do make money easily!
Scenario D: Your friend A is so hot, why are you like this? I actually prefer stick-thin legs, (staring intently at my legs) shaking his head and saying, ‘Forget it!’(We were together for two years and broke up six times. I lost 20 pounds, suffered from insomnia, stomach aches and nightmares, and would suddenly burst into tears on the street . How I escaped this toxic relationship will be revealed in the chat room )
[Memory Fragment 2] (On power dynamics in intimate relationships)
Ex-boyfriend No. 3: How could you draw the person you like in front of so many people?My immediate reaction at the time: “If you were a model, I’d love to draw you.”It was only later that I realised the subtext of that sentence was: “Your body (to some extent) belongs to me; I cannot bear to look at your body alongside others; I cannot accept others gazing at you with desire.”
[Memory Fragment 3] (On ownership of the female body and relationships)Relative A: Doing things like that makes your love life a bit of a struggle!
[Memory Fragment 4]
Female reporter from a women’s web radio station: Does doing this job make your love life difficult? Are there any obstacles? Have you heard any nasty comments?Senior female
DJ: So why do you go out of your way to arouse people’s desires?
[Memory Fragment 5]Relative B: “What’s Jing actually doing? She’s being watched without any clothes on!”
[Memory Fragment 6]
A man: “With all these interviews you do, is taking your clothes off just a way to get attention and become famous?”Me: “If fame can help more people hear what I have to say, or spread the beliefs I hold dear, then I suppose I am!” (I’ve since distanced myself from this person)
[Memory Fragment 7]
A lady who advocates for bodily autonomyWhen we first met: You’ve put on weight! Those photos are absolutely stunning!Two years later: You’re as thin as a rake now, but you do look better that way!
[Memory Fragment 8] (On stereotypes/patriarchal privilege)
A male painter: “You’re so beautiful, why not marry a rich man and become a phoenix perched on a branch?”I was being painted completely naked at the time, and I replied: “Well, you could do the same as Chan Chun-chung and find your own ‘Little Sweetheart’—clinging to the powerful knows no gender.”Him: “Wow! Never mind, never mind. I had no idea you were a feminist!”I gave no reaction, returning to a state of stillness and mental blankness. I thought to myself: I already am a phoenix
[Memory Fragment 9]
A male creator: Pang Jing was so youthful back then.Me: You were too—so fair-skinned and smooth!
[Memory Fragment 10] (On the portrayal of female characters in film and television)
An old university classmate rang up: ‘Would you be interested in modelling nude for a commercial film? It’s a big-budget, major production! It’ll definitely be shot beautifully!’ Then they sent some blurry black-and-white nude photos. Me: So what’s the shoot about?Them: The character is a corpse that’s been raped and murdered.Me: No thanks, I won’t be taking that on. Them: Well, do you have any nude model friends who might be interested?Me: No, I don’t. I don’t want my friends to be virtually raped and murdered. Bye!(It took ages to film, but it finally hit the screens a few years back. I saw it at the cinema – it was only a few seconds long, but in that split second, it triggered fragments of memories from across time and space.)
[Memory Fragment 11]A woman: Self-exposure is just a tactic.
[Memory Fragment 12] (On slut-shaming and sexual autonomy)A Form 3 girl during my time as a supply teacher: “So what’s the difference between that and being a hooker?”My response at the time: “Miss, please replace ‘hooker’ with ‘sex worker’. There is actually a difference. A sex worker’s job involves providing sexual services and physical contact. A nude model, however, does not need to be touched or have any physical contact.”However, the two share the following two (partially accurate) similarities:First, the naked body is presented before others; though this statement is only partially accurate, as sex workers are not always fully naked—they may be wearing underwear or clothing. Second, they are objects of desire: sex workers satisfy their clients’ sexual needs; whereas a life model is the subject of the gaze; the artist observing their body may or may not do so with a gaze imbued with desire. In my experience, given the atmosphere in the studio and the rapid pace at which poses are changed, it is actually quite difficult to entertain other lustful imaginings. However, I am not a mind reader, and I have no right to pry into what individual artists are thinking.But upon serious reflection: what if they do harbour desire? Isn’t sexual desire, just like the appetite, simply part of human nature? Three 15-year-old female students fell silent, fixing their gaze upon me
[Memory Fragment 13]
Some passer-by: ‘You’re just selling your body, aren’t you!’Me (unable to resist retorting with the obvious): ‘Isn’t an hourly wage in the capital market also money exchanged for time and one’s body?’
[Memory Fragment 14]
An old classmate: ‘Her job is just being a naked woman, isn’t it!’I didn’t have the quick wit to respond at the time.
[Memory Fragment 15] (Regarding anonymous harassment)
Some netizen sent a dick pic: ‘Am I big enough?’Me: Have you ever actually spent time with women? Do women actually enjoy looking at pictures of genitals and find them attractive? Or do you want me to rate you? Your genitals are small and misshapen, and the hair is all over the place—it’s disgusting. It’s truly cringe-worthy. -1000 points. Then that netizen blocked me
[Memory Fragment 16]
Some netizen: Impressive, you’ve got guts! Nudity is art.Me: Art can include nudity, but nudity does not equal art.
[Memory Fragment 17]
Someone: You’re in your thirties now – who’s going to look at you taking your clothes off?
[Memory Fragment 18]
Some netizen: If I pay, can I watch you undress? If I pay, can I see nudity?
Therefore, for first-time participants in the life drawing sessions I organise, I always present the following life drawing protocol:
“Apologies, but we do not allow those who simply wish to watch. Everyone attending my life drawing sessions is a serious artist practising their craft; participation is strictly on the condition that you are there to draw.
Please answer the following questions:
1- Have you participated in life drawing before?
2- Do you draw frequently?
3- Can you share some of your artwork? (Please send drawings you have created yourself)
Please understand that when new participants wish to join, I must ask these questions to protect the venue and the model. Thank you ”
Looking back over the past decade, regarding creativity, the body, nudity, relationships, rights, power, management, and the gaze. When it comes to matters of the heart, sometimes the joys and sorrows, the loves and hates within a relationship, along with others’ views and criticisms, may not have a direct connection to one’s personal values and self-identity. Relationships are like a multifaceted mirror, reflecting the rawest aspects of human nature truthfully, yet the only thing one can truly touch is one’s own essence.
If anyone is interested in having a chat with me, or has any questions or doubts, I’d be absolutely delighted to share my thoughts—whether it’s about bodily autonomy, rights in the modelling industry, or the curiosity behind creative work. Feel free to pop into the Red Witch’s Tea & Chat Room for a natter. I am incredibly grateful to have met such wonderful people along this journey. Let’s keep going and encourage one another. In my next post, I’ll share some interesting and wonderful fragments of memory—stay tuned.